A Different Kind of Wonder Woman.....

For the past month or so I haven't felt well.  My legs were covered in bruises and I couldn't breathe. I knew something was going on but I wasn't quite sure what it was so I had made an appointment with my family doctor and was making a list of my symptoms.  I was worried that the bruises could either be my anemia or leukemia (which they have tested me for previously).  The not being able to breathe, I thought, was my asthma because of the wildfires going on all around me.  I went to my asthma specialist on a incredibly hard to breathe day.  She looked at me and could tell something was wrong, she started a breathing treatment immediately but it didn't stop the pain.  The pain was weird.  Normally with asthma you only have pressure in your lungs, not the extreme pain I was feeling.  She said my chest sounded tight but it didn't seem to be an asthma attack so she scheduled me for some testing in January.

Then, on Tuesday December 13 I started having extreme pain in my left leg but I couldn't for the life of me figure out what I had done because for once, I hadn't fallen on the hike that past weekend.  Tuesday night I started feeling dizzy.  Then by Wednesday night I couldn't put weight on my leg at all.  Thursday morning I got my crutches out so I could get to work.  But as the day wore on I knew I wasn't going to make it to the end of the day.  Still thinking I had hurt my knee I went to the orthopedic after hours walk in clinic.  The doctor started pushing on my leg and when he got to the back of my leg I jumped up off the table and the tears started flowing (I never cry, I am wonder woman, remember?).  This alarmed the doctor and he said that he was worried that I had a blood clot.  He sent me to the hospital for an ultrasound.  As the tech was performing the ultrasound I could tell by the look on his face that he had found something, even though I specifically told him not to.  I said "you found a clot, didn't you?".  He apologized but confirmed.  He wheeled me down to the ER where the doctor asked me if I had had any chest tightness lately.  I looked down and then told him about my "asthma" lately.  So he sent me for a CT scan of my lungs.  After the CT scan they rolled me back to the ER.  About an hour later the doctor came and and pulled the chair up next to my bed.  I knew I was about to be hit with another dose of bad news.  He said both my lungs are full of clots as well and that I wouldn't be leaving the hospital anytime soon.

They admitted me, began high doses of blood thinners and scheduled me for an ultrasound of my heart to check for clots there as well.  Luckily that was the one test that came back with good results.

The past few days I have gone through every emotion.  I am scared going through this alone.  I am angry that this happened to me.  I am depressed that they have taken away the one thing that would make me feel better....hiking.  I have cried pretty much every day.  For several days I wished that the clots had just killed me. I don't want to be on blood thinners for 6 months.  I don't want to wear a compression sleeve.  I don't want to be "careful" all the time.  Haven't I been through enough.  This is not fair.  This sucks.  Why do these things keep happening to me?  I have worked so hard the past three years to get healthy!!!!   I'm pissed and guess what.... it's okay to be pissed, sad, angry, depressed and lonely.  Sometimes life sucks, that's just how it is.  Some people get more of the sucky part than others and I am one of those people.

So what will I do with this?  What will I do with this challenge?  What will I do with these emotions?

I will continue to be wonder woman, that's what!!!  

Wonder Woman will just look different for now.  For now I will wake up each morning, pull on my compression sleeve, take my blood thinners, go to work, barely make it through the day, then collapse on the couch or bed when I get home and take more blood thinners.  I will be in pain 24/7 for who knows how long.  I will have to ask friends for help shopping, cleaning, walking the dogs, cooking and just living life.  

Yes, this is another mountain wonder woman must climb but I don't want to, I'm not happy about it and I will be upset.  And that's okay. I don't have to be strong all the time.  I don't have to smile all the time.  I'm human and I have feelings.

Will I hit the trail again?  Yes.  Will this set me back?  Yes.  Will it stop me?  HECK NO!

Thank you for all those who have supported me, let me be mad, let me express my feelings, been by my side, loved me even when I was mean and thank you to those who will be by my side when I am able to slowly hit the trails again.